Change the World

My mother died two days ago.

She was my world.

Shortly after I was born, my father died suddenly of an aneurism. I never knew him. So, it was my mother that raised me by herself. We were inseparable. We lived in this small apartment together in Boston. I worked a day job but most of my time I spent taking care of Mom. She had gotten sick six months ago with cancer and after about two months she was unable to get out of bed. It was aggressive...

I rinsed my coffee cup in the sink and stuck it in the drying rack. The small apartment seemed so empty now that Mom was gone. When you’re concentrating on a sick person the world seems to shrink around you so that all you care about is the person in your care. That’s what had happened to me. I looked about myself and saw the general disheveled state of the apartment. There were clothes on the floor, dirty dishes scattered about, and the sheets on the beds were in a state of disarray. I decided that the best thing I could do to help myself would be to clean up the small rooms and make my way to work today. I needed to be rid of this small space as it started to feel like my own coffin.

I cleaned the apartment, and carefully locked the door behind me. Off to work I go only several hours late for the start of the day. It was now elven o’clock. They wouldn’t mind though. After all, they weren’t expecting me until after that weekend. I’d been given three days of bereavement time, and my mother died on Tuesday. I walked the short distance to the bus station and waited what seemed like fifteen minutes before the bus that would take me to the T finally arrived. I too the T from there downtown to where I worked as an administrative assistant.

“Brian, what are you doing here? Don’t you have plans to make?” my boss Gerald asked.

“Sorry, I just couldn’t sit around that apartment anymore, I had to get out, and I figured that going to work and being productive was as good a thing to do as anything else.”

“Okay, but if you start feeling overwhelmed, just know that we’ll understand if you leave today,” Gerald said.

“Okay,” I replied. I made my way to my desk. It was relatively empty, as I’d managed to clear things up for the most part last Friday in anticipation of the events to come. Mom had fallen asleep and not woken up on Thursday. The doctor that visited told us it was just a matter of time but would probably only take a few days for the cancer to finally take her.

Rachel, one of my friends from Accounting walked up to my desk. “Oh, Brian, I’m so sorry to hear about your Mom.”

“Oh, yeah.” I said. “She’s in a better place now but I really miss her. I just couldn’t stand the thought of staying at home without her there. So, I came in today.”

She looked concerned. “I…I know this isn’t great timing, but would you like to get dinner with me tonight, Brian?” She paused. “I know it sounds like I’m asking you on a date, but I feel like someone should be reaching out to you, and you sure shouldn’t be alone for dinner tonight. That is, unless you have plans already.”

No…no, I don’t have any plans. Thank you, Rachel.” What could I say, I was surprised.

I tried to work the rest of my day in peace. Rachel was just a friend, but she was certainly attractive, and I hadn’t dated anyone for the few months that Mom had been sick. This would be a welcome diversion indeed. It all went well until someone decided that they should go out and get me flowers for the day. I cried. I thanked them. As the day went on, I couldn’t concentrate. So, I decided to go down to accounting and talk to Rachel about our dinner later that night.

“Hey, Rach.” I said as I walked up next to her cubicle.

“Hey, Brian, is everything okay? Are you still okay for tonight?” she seemed worried about it.

“No, we’re fine. They just got me flowers down there, and…” I couldn’t help myself, I started crying again.

Rachel stood up and put her hand on my shoulder, and then after a moment’s hesitation, she hugged me. It was nice. The human contact was nice.

“I think I’m going to head out of here. When and where did you want to meet for dinner tonight, that is if you’ll still meet a blubberer like me.” I joked.

“Of course,” she smiled. “Why don’t we try that new Indian place down the road? I know you like Indian food.” She took her hand away from my back.

“That would be great! I’d love to try it. Why don’t we meet at six?” I said.

“Sure, that would be great. I’ll give you a text when I get there.”

“Thanks,” I said, “I’m going to get out of here and take a walk somewhere. I’ll see you later.”

I decided that I wanted to walk in the state forest that was just outside of town.

I’d taken several walks through the forest before, but for some reason, today seemed more magical than most. The start forest trail was designed as a big circuit that was about a mile and a half long from the parking lot around and back. Around the middle of the track there was a little pond that I sometimes liked to sit at and take a break.

I finally came upon the little pond in the middle of the woods and decided to take a break on the stone bench that sat there. I stared at the pond and tried to clear my head of the day, but all I could think about was Mom. The tears came again, and the sunlight dappling through them began to mix with the sunlight shining off the still pond until my vision was awash with colors. I noticed, however, that a mist began to form off the water. It slowly began to take the rough shape of a woman. That’s when I heard my mother’s voice speaking in my head.

“They gave me one chance to change things,” it said. “So, I changed the world for you.”

Suddenly, an image appeared in my mind of Rachel and I having dinner together. An image of the clean apartment appeared. Finally, a sense of contentment arose within me. She changed the world for me.

It was true that things were looking better after her death, but I felt like things really were truly starting to change. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t had before. I now felt free to explore my life as I saw fit. I felt that my boss had given me the space I needed to do what I need to do. I felt that Rachel was paying me attention that she hadn’t before. It’s true that everything was changing, and unfortunately, my mother’s death was the catalyst.

Finally, I wiped the tears away. The mist was gone. I stood up from the bench on which I was sitting and left. I had a dinner to catch, and a life to live.